On finding your way out of lost love

Heartbreak.

We’ve all been there before, and while it’s true that everyone finds their own way of moving on after countless months (or in my case, years) of sinking into a sea of tears and hurt, it is necessary to find love within ourselves and share those experiences with others.

When you have a first love, it’s usually extraordinary and something that you passionately believe will work against all odds. Distance, education, other priorities — you believe you can beat anything, because after all, your love runs deep and strong.

However, sometimes we are so determined to make our love last that we lose sight of ourselves. This was a sacrifice I felt I was willing to make for love. To put all my needs aside, to persevere and most importantly (like many women) to put him above myself.

There’s just one problem with this logic: It’s wrong.

It took me, as I said, years to realize this. I was constantly doing everything in my power to make him happy. But when you’re giving your full effort in a relationship and receiving little reciprocation, the solution should be simple – just leave.

That wasn’t the case, though. I constantly made excuses to justify his actions and make him seem like a better person in my mind. But that’s just it – it was in my mind. He was charming and polite and treated me like a princess, but that wasn’t the reality of the situation. The reality was, and is, that he had mean, careless and unapologetic traits.

My friends gave me the same advice time after time. The things we constantly hear, but ignore, even though we know our friends always have our best interest at heart. We ignore them because we don’t want to believe the reality, that maybe we need to let go and move on.

Aside from not listening to my friends and creating a fantasy boyfriend in my head, I found myself trying to become a person he would like better. A person that I wasn’t and never should – nor could be. It sounds like the worst-case scenario, but the truth is it was beyond a worst-case scenario. My spirit was diminished.

The following months were long and drawn out. It was like I didn’t understand or even know myself. We engage in this constant back and forth with uncertainty because of the one thing we absolutely don’t want to lose: love. But what I wish I would have realized earlier is that the love was already lost – it vanished before my eyes and yet I couldn’t really see it.

One day, it just clicked in my mind and I began to see all the signs that I’m sure were always there, but that I had deliberately chosen not to see. I didn’t want to be with this person, I wanted to be with the idea of this person.

And just like that, I began to channel all of the energy that I had wasted trying to make someone else happy into my own happiness.

Now, I could tell you to leave the past in the past or to move on with your life, but I’m sure these are all things you’ve heard before and that you’ve chosen to ignore – as I did myself.

But I will leave you with this. I chased after a false image of love. I changed myself to be someone he could like more and what I realized in the end is that you should never change yourself; you should embrace the person you are.